Why Is Defensiveness, Not Criticism, the Greatest Barrier to Growth?

Feedback is one of the most powerful learning tools in professional life. Nevertheless, many employees and managers may perceive a suggestion shared for development purposes as personal criticism or a message of inadequacy. When this happens, the focus of the conversation moves away from development; instead of trying to understand what is being said, the person begins to defend themselves.

Not taking criticism personally does not mean being indifferent to feedback or accepting everything unconditionally. It means being able to distinguish an evaluation of a behaviour from a judgement about a person’s identity. In a healthy feedback culture, the aim is not to prove who is right but to understand which behaviour or process can be improved.

The greatest barrier to development at work is often not criticism itself. The main barrier is the defensive response that automatically appears in the face of criticism. Learning requires curiosity, openness and evaluation, while the defence mechanism focuses on protecting the person’s existing self-image.

Why Does the Same Feedback Create Different Reactions?

A manager may tell an employee that the content of their presentation was strong but that simplifying the data could make the message more effective. From the manager’s perspective, this is a technical development suggestion. The employee, however, may interpret the same sentence as “I am not good enough” or “I have failed.”

In this example, the problem is not only in the sentence that was spoken. The meaning assigned to the feedback also determines the form of the reaction. People often respond not only to what happened but also to the story they believe the event tells about them.

The same feedback may create curiosity in one person and defensiveness in another. Previous experiences, self-confidence, organisational culture, the relationship with the manager and the way a person defines success may all lie behind this difference.

The following internal reactions may arise after receiving feedback:

• “There is a part of my work that needs to be improved.”

• “I may not have fully understood the expectation.”

• “I can achieve a better result by applying this suggestion.”

• “They think I am inadequate.”

• “Nothing I do is appreciated.”

• “If I do not defend myself, I will be admitting that I failed.”

The first three thoughts focus on behaviour, while the final three interpret feedback as a threat to identity. The distinction between learning and defensiveness often begins at this point.

Why Do We Take Criticism Personally?

Feedback in professional life is not only a technical communication tool. How a person sees themselves, how they were criticised in the past and whether they work in an environment where mistakes are tolerated directly affect their response to feedback.

The human mind values social acceptance and a sense of belonging. Particularly in workplaces with low psychological safety, criticism of work performance may be associated with the risk of losing status, exclusion or failure. In this situation, the person tries to protect themselves rather than evaluate new information.

Don Miguel Ruiz’s principle of not taking anything personally also offers an important perspective for workplace feedback. The aim is not to suppress emotions. The aim is to distinguish what has been said from the interpretations created by the mind.

The sentence “There are several points we can improve in this report” provides information about a behaviour or an output. The conclusion “I am inadequate” is the meaning the person assigns to that information. Recognising the difference between these two sentences is the foundation of evaluating criticism without taking it personally.

Three Triggers That Make Feedback Difficult to Accept

Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen explain resistance to feedback through three main triggers. These triggers help us understand how a person evaluates a message rather than focusing only on the content of the feedback.

Truth Trigger

The person believes that the feedback is inaccurate, incomplete or unfair. In this situation, they may reject the entire message rather than evaluating the useful points within it.

It is possible to disagree with parts of feedback. However, before becoming completely defensive, the following question may be asked:

“Could even a small part of this evaluation be accurate or useful?”

This question does not require unconditional acceptance. It allows the feedback to be examined as information.

Relationship Trigger

The person focuses on who is delivering the feedback rather than on its content. An employee may consider the suggestion worthless because they find the manager’s own behaviour inconsistent.

The following thoughts may arise:

• “The person saying this should look at themselves first.”

• “They are the last person who should evaluate my performance.”

• “They never understand me anyway.”

Problems with the person delivering the feedback may be real. However, separating the reaction to the relationship from the content of the message can prevent useful information from being completely lost.

Identity Trigger

An identity trigger occurs when feedback threatens the person’s self-image. A suggestion about a presentation may turn into the conclusion “I am not a good employee.”

When this trigger is activated, one mistake or development area may be perceived as an evaluation of all the person’s abilities. However, information that a behaviour should be improved does not create a definitive judgement about a person’s value or overall capacity.

One of the main aims of an effective feedback culture is to make the distinction between behaviour and identity visible.

How Does Defensiveness Appear at Work?

Defensiveness does not always appear as an open argument or an aggressive reaction. Sometimes the person becomes silent, changes the subject, starts offering explanations or lists the mistakes of the person providing the feedback.

Common defensive behaviours at work include:

• Offering explanations before listening to the feedback

• Transferring responsibility to other people or circumstances

• Referring to unrelated past achievements

• Focusing on the shortcomings of the person providing the feedback

• Becoming silent and ending communication completely

• Declaring the entire message unfair or invalid

• Interpreting a development suggestion as a personal attack

• Beginning to question the other person’s intentions

Defensive behaviour often comes from a person’s attempt to protect themselves. For this reason, simply labelling a defensive employee as “closed to feedback” does not solve the problem.

A more useful approach is to understand where the person felt threatened and move the conversation back towards behaviour, outcomes and areas of development.

How Does Ego Slow Down Learning?

Ego represents the identity a person has created about themselves and the need to protect that identity. As the desire to appear successful, knowledgeable or error-free becomes stronger at work, feedback may become more threatening.

Ego wants to be right. The learning mind wants to understand.

Ego tries to protect the person’s current approach. Curiosity explores whether a different method might be more effective. Development therefore begins not by completely eliminating the ego but by recognising the defensive response.

An employee may not be able to change their first reaction after receiving feedback. They may feel discomfort, disappointment or anger. However, they can reflect on how they will behave after these emotions arise.

A person may ask themselves:

• Am I evaluating what is being said, or am I defending myself?

• Am I associating this feedback with my personality?

• Am I trying to be right or trying to understand?

• Is there concrete information I can learn from this conversation?

• Would asking for further explanation be helpful?

These questions create space for reflection between the first emotional reaction and the next behaviour.

Why Is Vulnerability the Beginning of Learning?

Vulnerability at work is often associated with weakness, inadequacy or loss of control. However, admitting that there is room for development does not show that a person is incompetent. It shows that they are continuing to learn.

The perspective emphasised in Brené Brown’s work suggests that courage does not come from appearing perfect but from remaining open despite uncertainty. Receiving feedback also creates a short period of uncertainty. The person encounters an area in which they have not yet reached the desired level.

At this point, defensiveness produces the following thought:

“If I admit that I have a weakness, I will lose value.”

A learning approach creates a different thought:

“I may not yet be at the level I want, but I can see what I need to improve.”

Vulnerability does not mean accepting every criticism or giving up personal boundaries. Being able to say that you do not know, admitting a mistake and asking for help when needed are natural parts of learning.

How Does a Growth Mindset Change the Way We View Feedback?

Carol Dweck’s growth mindset approach emphasises that abilities are not only innate and fixed characteristics but may be developed through effort, experience, strategy and learning.

A person with a fixed mindset may perceive feedback as a final grade on their ability. A person with a growth mindset may interpret the same message as temporary information about their current performance.

A fixed mindset focuses on the following question:

“Am I good enough?”

A growth mindset asks:

“What can I do differently next time?”

This approach does not completely remove the discomfort created by feedback. However, it makes it easier to view that discomfort as a natural part of the development process.

Can a Feedback Culture Exist Without Psychological Safety?

Psychological safety refers to a working environment in which employees can share ideas, ask questions and talk about mistakes without fear of punishment, humiliation or exclusion.

Amy Edmondson’s work shows that psychological safety is important for learning, innovation and team performance. When people believe that they will constantly be judged, they may direct their energy towards avoiding mistakes and protecting their reputation rather than learning.

In organisations with low psychological safety, feedback may be perceived as:

• A sign of performance loss

• A threat to promotion opportunities

• The manager’s personal dissatisfaction

• A warning about job security

• A judgement of the employee’s value

In psychologically safe environments, feedback is more likely to be seen as a natural part of development. Employees are less hesitant to admit what they do not know, ask questions and share their mistakes.

For this reason, it is not enough for organisations simply to provide feedback training. Employees must believe that they will not be punished, humiliated or labelled after receiving feedback.

How Can Leaders Give Feedback Without Creating Defensiveness?

Effective leadership is not only about deciding on the correct content of feedback. Predicting how the message may be heard by the other person is also part of leadership responsibility.

The following approaches may be used to reduce defensiveness:

• Explain the purpose of the feedback at the beginning of the conversation.

• Focus on observable behaviour rather than personality.

• Use concrete examples instead of general statements.

• Explain the effect of the behaviour on the team, customer or outcome.

• Ask for the employee’s perspective.

• Create a mutual evaluation rather than a one-sided conversation.

• Agree on an applicable next step for development.

• Express strengths in a realistic and concrete way.

• Do not give feedback only when a problem occurs.

• Do not dismiss the employee’s emotional response.

A general statement such as “You need to improve your communication skills” may make it difficult for an employee to understand what should change.

The following structure may be used instead:

“In today’s meeting, you interrupted the customer several times before they had finished asking the question. This may cause the customer to feel that they were not fully heard. In the next meeting, we can try waiting until the question is complete.”

This statement separates the behaviour, its effect and the development step. Feedback therefore focuses on a changeable behaviour rather than identity.

How Can Employees Listen to Feedback Without Taking It Personally?

Not taking feedback personally does not mean accepting that every piece of feedback is correct. The aim is to evaluate the message before completely rejecting it through an initial defensive response.

The following steps may be used during feedback:

Pause Before Responding

When you feel uncomfortable, pause briefly instead of responding immediately. Even a few seconds of silence may reduce a defensive reaction.

Ask for a Concrete Example

When you hear a general criticism, ask which behaviour is being discussed.

The question “Could you share a concrete example so I can understand this better?” moves the conversation from personal evaluation to observable behaviour.

Separate Intention From Impact

The fact that you did not intend harm does not mean that the behaviour had no negative impact. Feedback is often about the impact created rather than the intention.

Identify the Part You Agree With

You do not have to agree with all of the feedback. However, there may be a small part that you can use.

The question “Which part of this evaluation may be useful to me?” expands the learning space.

Ask for Time to Reflect

You do not have to respond to feedback immediately.

Saying “I would like to think about this and discuss it again later” creates space for evaluation without ending the communication.

Separate the Behaviour From Your Identity

The information that a presentation needs improvement does not mean that you are a bad employee. A single mistake does not define your overall capacity or value.

How Can Organisations Build a Continuous Learning Culture?

The World Economic Forum’s Future of Jobs Report 2025 emphasises the importance of continuous learning, skills development and reskilling in the future of work.

However, a continuous learning culture cannot be created only by providing learning platforms or increasing annual training hours. Employees need a working environment in which they can test what they have learned, make mistakes and receive feedback.

An organisation may provide hundreds of hours of training. It may establish artificial intelligence-supported learning systems and create technical skills programmes. However, if employees perceive every piece of feedback as a threat, learning cannot be transferred into daily working practices.

Practices that support a continuous learning culture include:

• Managers sharing their own mistakes and learning

• Not limiting feedback to formal performance periods

• Allowing employees to provide feedback to managers

• Examining mistakes to improve processes rather than find someone to blame

• Setting learning goals alongside performance goals

• Visibly supporting experimentation and development

• Encouraging employees to ask questions

• Creating an applicable development plan after feedback

The organisations that are better prepared for the future will not only be those that provide the most training. Organisations that make feedback a natural part of everyday work will create a more sustainable learning culture.

Why Is Learning Leadership Important?

Modern leadership is not only about setting goals, distributing work and measuring performance. One of a leader’s important responsibilities is to create an environment in which employees can share their thoughts and safely face development areas.

A learning leader does not try to show that they have all the answers. They ask the right questions, remain open to evaluating their own assumptions and turn feedback into behavioural change.

Learning leadership becomes visible through the following behaviours:

• Being able to say “I do not know”

• Regularly asking employees for feedback

• Openly acknowledging mistakes

• Listening before explaining when receiving criticism

• Including different opinions in decision-making

• Not viewing employee questions as threats

• Evaluating the effect of personal behaviour on the team

• Placing curiosity ahead of the need to be right

When leaders respond to feedback defensively, the team may develop similar behaviour. When a leader can talk about their own mistakes, they show employees that development will not be judged.

Let Us Reflect Together

Think of a piece of feedback that has recently made you uncomfortable. It may have come from a manager, colleague, customer or business partner.

Now ask yourself the following questions:

• Was there a point in this feedback that I could genuinely improve?

• Which part of the message did I perceive as an evaluation of my identity rather than my behaviour?

• What was the difference between what was said and the interpretation created by my mind?

• Was my first reaction focused on understanding or defending myself?

• What could I have learned from this experience if I had reduced my defensiveness?

• Which question could help me obtain more information in a similar situation?

The aim of these questions is not to judge your past reaction. The aim is to create more space for learning in similar situations in the future.

Development Begins When Defensiveness Ends

When artificial intelligence, digital transformation and future skills are discussed, the focus is often placed on technical capabilities. However, one of the important skills in the future of work will be the ability to remain open to learning when receiving feedback.

Continuous learning is not only about accessing new information. It requires people to reconsider their existing thoughts, assumptions and behaviours.

Feedback is the fuel of development. Defensiveness may be one of the strongest brakes on learning.

Ego wants to be right. The learning mind wants to develop.

Development at work therefore does not begin by never receiving criticism or always being right. It begins when we stop viewing criticism as a definitive judgement of our identity and start treating it as information that helps us evaluate our behaviour.

The effective leaders of the future may not be the people who make the fewest mistakes. They may be the people who can reconsider their behaviour, maintain their curiosity in the face of feedback and create a safe space for learning.

Listen to the Improve Your Work Life Podcast

To explore this topic in greater depth, you can listen to our podcast episode “Leave Your Ego at the Door: The Art of Not Taking Criticism Personally at Work.” The episode examines not taking criticism personally, recognising defensive responses, turning feedback into development data and the power of learning leadership from a broader perspective.

Organisations that want to strengthen employee experience not only through training processes but also through holistic practices that support physical and mental well-being can explore Happ Health’s Corporate Health Solutions.

References

• Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House.
• Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
• Edmondson, A. C. (2019). The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth. Wiley.
• Knowles, M. S., Holton, E. F., & Swanson, R. A. (2020). The Adult Learner (9th ed.). Routledge.
• Ruiz, D. M. (1997). The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. Amber-Allen Publishing.
• Stone, D., & Heen, S. (2014). Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well. Viking.
• World Economic Forum. (2025). The Future of Jobs Report 2025. World Economic Forum.